Lately

So, lately I have been torn.  For a while I felt like these flowers:

Unfortunately, I felt like the roses: these was life all around me, and even in me, but my head was hung.  Micah due date came and went and no baby was born no new life began; at least not in our family.  It was hard.  Other people had babies.  That was hard too.  Birth announcements came in the mail.  I had no reason to send any.

But, there IS life all around, and, happily, in, me.  A new little peanut showed us his or her heartbeat the doctor's last week.  Honestly, in the days leading up to the appointment, I did not think seeing the heartbeat would make me feel better or more confident in this pregnancy-I mean, why would it, I say a heartbeat before, right?  But, oh man, the moment that little flutter appeared on the screen, I cried.  "There is my baby, my child," I thought.  Since then, I have been sleeping more soundly and feeling better than I had in weeks.

Earlier this weekend I went for a swim alone in the pool.  This feeling of calm came over me; it just felt right.  I have to say, it also felt like everything was going to be alright.  I am terrified of letting myself imagine holding this baby, playing with him or her, seeing Zach play with his sibling, but I just have this feeling that everything will be fine and I am resting in that. Not just resting, but going with that.  Telling people I don't HAVE to tell that I am pregnant because I want to and I am excited.

Speaking of telling people, that has been kind of a strange experience too.  Telling people you are pregnant after such a late term loss feels a bit like telling your mom you are back together with that guy that broke your heart just a few months or weeks ago; you know the one? The real asshole that you told your mom about; you revealed to her the awful things he said and did and how he treated you, but now you decided to get back together and risk it all again, because, well you love him and are sure this time will be different. Any way, telling people again has kind of felt like that to me.  They know how destroyed I was for a time-it was such a public and painful loss.  Now I am telling them I am risking it all again.  And putting them at risk too.  I know our friends' hearts broke with us and I know they would again.  But, the power to love and hope is so much stronger than the power of fear.  I am working every day to let the love and hope win and I really feel like they are-I cannot wait to hold this little rainbow baby in my arms.