I haven't written for a while. I have slept. First trimester was a doozy this time-lots of sickness, lots of sleeping. I think it was great though (how often do you hear that about someone hanging over the toilet bowl?!)-It was so nice to know everything was okay with baby. Sickness=strong hormones=strong baby.
The two to three weeks between sickness and feeling baby move were nerve racking, but are, luckily, over! Baby is kicking away!
So, that is the physical up date. Now on to the good stuff-emotions!
I recently told my mom I was pregnant. I was terrified to tell her. I felt like I was thirteen again, telling my mom I was getting back together with an ex-boyfriend. "Yes, the one who broke my heart-who then kicked it and spit on it and rolled it to the gutter like a piece of trash...but, he's changed! This will be different! I LOVE HIM!!!" I am not sure why I felt like this. Maybe because I am giving my heart away again to something I was so burned by last time. Or maybe it is because a small part of me wanted her to be worried about ME-about how I was feeling and whether I was emotionally ok. Maybe that part of me wants everyone to know that or at least to ask.
Maybe it is like this-the joy part of me is the older sister who does everything right and gets all the glory. That part of me is bigger and more noticeable, and, let's face it, easier to understand, relate to and deal with. Everyone loves her! But there is this little sister vying for some attention too. She dresses in all black and is just different. She is the unknown. It is hard to relate to her, she's volatile and emotional and unpredictable and, unless you have a little sister just like her, it is hard to know what to say. She sits and stews, wishing someone would notice her and ask how she is.
After the big sister got most of the glory, my mom finally did ask how the little sister was doing-in a vague, "please don't go into too many details" kind of way. I appreciated the gesture.
The little sister is doing ok. She is there. She does need to be noticed, but the big sister wins out most of the time, and in this case, I am glad.
