Sometimes I come across these memories of Micah in my mind. I remember good things (and some bad too) and I am not always sure what to do with them. I think our minds categorize memories into little pockets: good ones and bad ones, or maybe more accurately happy ones and sad ones. We put the happy ones at the front of the pile and protect ourselves by putting sad ones in the back-more hidden away in a place we really have to think to access. The hard part about losing someone (I think) is that the memory storage gets messed up. I have happy memories with Micah (seeing him on the first ultrasound, finding out he was a boy, etc...) so these memories are on the top of the memory pile, but the problem is, they still hurt. It is human nature to run from pain, but it is not necessarily bad for us to experience that pain, I know that...it is still difficult. My natural reaction is still to try to put those memories at the bottom of the pile-to tuck them away and not experience them any more-but I don't want to do that. I miss Micah and I want those happy memories to be happy. So, I work every day to let myself experience the happy parts of each memory and feel happy while thinking of those times.
The more difficult and actually sad memories (finding out he no longer had a heartbeat and...well, everything that happened after that) are still hard to experience. Sometimes I slip them from the bottom of the pile and feel them just a little before I put them back under. I am not sure what a healthy leave of experience is for these memories. I know I cannot live in them. They cannot be at the top of the pile. All I know is I do with them what I think is best: acknowledge without letting them control and that feels right for now.
No comments:
Post a Comment