The list I could not complete....

For the first time in a long time (well, since April 15th to be exact) I feel happy.  It is not that I don't miss Micah or that I don't grieve every day for the baby I will never hold in my physical arms-it is not at all that. It is, in fact, that I am happy for what I do have now in my life.  I have realized I cannot change the past.  For a while, I played the "What If" game.  There is nothing but fear regret when one plays that game.  It is a dangerous game with no winner.

I think we have a choice.  It is not only a choice to fight like hell for what we want our lives to be, it is also a choice to embrace the beautiful things in our lives.  I have many beautiful things-I am blessed.  I remember a journal entry from about a month after we found out Micah had died. I tried to "look on the bright side" and list my blessings.  The list is blank.  I couldn't do it.  No matter how I tried, my grief was so big that it overshadowed the positives.  It is not that my grief is not longer a part of my life, I am pretty sure it will always be with me, but I now feel like I have wrestled the grief dragon and put it in a cage.  It no longer controls me.  I am not afraid of it.  It does not spew fire onto everything around me.  Sure, the dragon sometimes rears its head when I least expect it, but I know I can wrestle it in and win.

Here is the journal entry I could not complete before:

I am grateful for the following things (in no particular order and this is not all of the things that are beautiful in my life):
-Todd-all the time and for all he is and does for me
-Zach-such an amazing little man-smart and kind and funny
-Family
-Girlfriends who have chosen to be my sisters
-All of my friends
-My home
-My garden
-The circle of people who have surrounded and loved me over the last 4 months
-Exercise-the kind that feels good from the top of my body to the bottom
-Coffee (both hot and iced)
-Wine (mostly red)
-Hope


These are certainly not all of the things, but are the ones that rolled right off the top of my head.  I am sure I could sit here all day and list more (but alas nap time is almost over).  I am so glad I have fought my way to a place where I can list these things that make me so happy.  It has not been an easy journey and it certainly is not over (is it ever), but I see progress and I want to keep going. I have not done it alone, and if you are reading this, you are probably a part of my journey, so I just want to say "Thank you." I cannot imagine life without you.